The Non-Canon Awards: Out of this World Contest
Title: Love Gas, Baby (title should be sung to tune of ‘Love Shack’ by B-52s)
Rating: 18+ years and over
Genre: Crossover – True Blood / SVM with Torchwood
Word Count: 4,429
Pairing: Pam / Captain Jack Harkness / Orgasm Gas Alien; Eric / Sookie / Orgasm Gas Alien
Summary: A crossover of TB/SVM with Torchwood, Pam is gleefully minding everyone else’s business when she spies a meteor falling to earth. At first she thinks it is headed straight for Sookie Stackhouse’s place so she rushes to save her, only to find the meteor has landed on Compton’s face and melted his skin to the floor. As Pam gleefully rips his skin from said floor with her stiletto, she accidentally pierces the meteor, releasing a pink orgasm gas alien that inhabits Sookie. Unable to find any satisfaction with the pathetic vampire glued to the floor and realising Pam is not equipped for her pleasure, Sookie heads off for the nearest epicentre of unbridled lust – Fangtasia. Captain Jack Harkness arrives and together he and Pam try to track down the orgasm gas alien so they can bottle it and sell it to the impotent aliens of Frigid Prudia 5 – oops, I mean so they can help save Sookie…. Guest appearance made by orgy pants. Features scenes of rampant stationery fetishism.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, whether they are from TB/SVM or Torchwood and make no money from them. I merely love playing with them for my own amusement and that of the fans who love them so much 🙂
Love Gas, Baby
(title should be sung to the tune of “Love Shack” by the B-52s)
So I was in Bon Temps, minding my own business – okay, minding everyone else’s business – when I see this great big fuckass meteor zooming through the sky, a streak of flame fanning out behind it like somebody lit a fart. Not that I would really know about that, being vampire, but spend enough time around Jason Stackhouse and you’ll know what I mean. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen him singe his ass-hairs, but there you have it.
Wonder whose ass-hair this meteor is gonna set on fire –
My mini-van was packed to the brim with stationery to fuel my burgeoning fetish. Try it people – try it! I’d got the idea from my reconnaissance of Sookie – for some reason she had piles of this shit and I was determined to find out why. So I collected a bit of everything – glitter pens studded with diamantes, topped with hot pink feathers, jewel-encrusted notebooks, paperclips bent into the shape of shoes, post-it notes adorned with little fluffy dogs and cats sporting glittery tiaras, mini-highlighters all in varying shades of pink, an assortment of rulers and staplers and hole punches and – you get the picture. I was planning on locking myself in the back later so I could inhale the scent of new paper, but what Sookie was getting out of it was beyond me.
Sure I’d rigged up a surveillance system per my maker’s orders – that was how I knew about Jason Stackhouse and the lighting of farts. Seems he does it every Wednesday night in Sookie’s bedroom when she’s out waitressing at Merlotte’s. Hmm, if she had a smart phone I’d flick her the footage of it, but not little Miss Snookie – and I had yet to figure out how to convert video footage into smoke signals.
Maybe Eric would know….
But the piles of stationery remained a mystery to me – one I was determined to crack. She must be using it off-camera somewhere because without fail, it all got used up and had to be constantly replaced.
So what on earth was Miss Spookie Snatchhouse doing with all that stationery?
Hmm, wouldn’t do to get my precious supplies set on fire by a stray meteor, even if the thought of taking photos of the corpses was rather tempting.
Fuck me – did it just land on Sookie Stackhouse’s place? Or as I like to call her, Prissie Prudehouse – or anything really. Can’t be more ridiculous than her actual name. My maker was going to be pissed – better get myself over there and pull her out of the burning wreckage… I don’t know why he bothers, given she is so far up Cockface Compton’s ass it’s going to take a fully kitted-out subterranean team of cave divers to extract her from it.
I drove my minivan at a screeching pace down Hummingbird Lane. Lucky I’d had a hyper-warp drive added thanks to a romantic liaison with Lieutenant Uhura from the Starship Enterprise – I was there quicker than Sookie’s asbestos-filled dump could catch alight.
Oh wait, my mistake. Sookie’s place isn’t on fire at all – what’s that smouldering, flaming mess over there?
Oh deary me, looks like Compton’s place is toast. I do so hope he’s inside it –
I raced over there – oh not to help, just to watch. Hope his face is half-burnt off.
And when I get there, who should I see but little Miss Prissie herself in a ridiculous neck to ankle nightie, racing across the graveyard shouting, “Bill! Bill!”
Hehehe – hope his cock got burnt off – mind you, Sookie may not notice the difference given I’ve seen what he’s packing – or not packing – down there. First time I met him at Queen Sophie-Anne’s place he was nude – well, we all were – and I thought he was a really ugly, hairier than usual lesbian.
Turns out I was wrong.
Oh come on, he has got man-boobs – anyone could make that mistake!
Anyway, Little Miss Danger-Magnet was about to plunge into the burning building when I managed to grab her by the shoulders.
“Let me go! Pam, he’s in there! I can feel his void – Let me get to him! I have to save him!”
“And burn your beautiful face? Tsk tsk, Sookie – do you want to be deep fried and crispy like that crap you call chicken at Merlotte’s?”
“Will you do it Pam? Will you save him?”
Fuck me. Those big, pleading puppy-dog eyes – fuck. Now I think I know why Eric keeps letting this bitch rip his goddamn balls off. Must be that fairy allure or something.
Scrunching up my face in disgust at my weakness, giving in to a tasty piece of ass like Prissie Prudehouse, I nodded. I had no illusions she’d ever pay me back, but maybe Eric would. Hmm, perhaps a little run on his credit cards may be in order?
The flames died down, leaving a smouldering mess, and I could see Compton there, his velour tracksuit fused to his body, his skin puddled out around him like melted cheese, stuck fast to the floor. Hmm, that’s what you get for wearing polyester.
The meteor had landed on his face before rolling off, breaking his nose and cheek bones, turning him into a bloody, pulpy mess. The meteor itself must have burned up a lot in the atmosphere because it was about the size of a watermelon now. Ugh. I took off my stiletto, reached out across the rubble and used the heel of my shoe to rip through the skin that had melted to his tracksuit and then the floor. That’s what was stopping him from getting up. Pussy. Little diddums didn’t want to rip his melted skin off. Boo hoo – let Pammie do it for you.
Half-way through the job, fucker shifted and moaned, causing me to slip and accidentally jam my stiletto in his eye. Whoops. And then my heel punched a great big fuckass hole in the meteor, like it was a fucking balloon or a piñata. Sookie was leaning directly over it, trying to get closer to Bill when a cloud of pink gas exploded from it into her face, like a cloud of rhizomes exploding out of one of those stink-mushrooms.
She looked dazed and confused for a moment but then shook her head to clear it.
Bill sat up, his skin beginning to reform – what do you know, even an extreme chemical peel like that wasn’t enough to improve his face.
“Sookeh, dahling, are you alright?”
Sookie ignored Bill, reached out across the rapidly deflating meteor and grabbed me by the face before she began to kiss me.
Wow – tongue. Who’d have thought Sookie was up for a little lesbian fling?
“Sookeh, Sookeh – do you have a concussion? Why are you kissing the Northman’s child? She is despicable and dangerous -”
Sookie grabbed my hand and placed it firmly on her boob. Who was I to resist? I lifted her up and over the meteor, pulling up her nanna-nightie and pushing her cotton grannie-knickers down with one hand whilst the other hovered over her sparkly fairy vagina.
Wait – if I went back to Fangtasia stinking of fairy-twat, Eric would have my ass – Sure we’d shared plenty of times but – well, this was Sookie and I wanted his gratitude, not a month in fucking silver buried in the goddamned ground.
“Sookie – ” I broke away from her but she grabbed my hand and shoved it down her pants again. “Sookie – stop!”
“I don’t want to! Fuck me -”
She began unbuttoning my jeans. Fuck there is only so much of this a gal can take –
“You don’t have a cock?”
“Nope, not unless you count one of my vast array of strap-ons -”
“This won’t do.”
She dropped me like a ton of shit and turned to Compton, who was gently and daintily trying to remove melted plastic fibres from his skin.
“Don’t be a woos,” I told him. “Rip it off all at once in a big chunk -” I decided to help him, grabbing hold of big piece and giving it a mighty rip, and he screamed like a girl –
Then Sookie plastered herself all over him, wrapping her legs around him and kissing him like he was Alexander Skarsgard or something. Ugh – this shit is gonna get ugly. “Look, if you two are gonna get naked and fuck, I’m outta here -”
Sookie ripped off his pants – looks like his cotton y-fronts protected his cock from the worst of the damage and the burns.
“Were you injured?” asked Sookie, staring at his pathetic crotch. “But you’re vampire right – it will grow back -”
His teeny tiny pee-pee got all hard at that, though it stayed at about the size of a jellybean.
“Sookeh, what are you talking about? Are you trying to insult my manhood?”
I snorted. “No trying about it!”
“I don’t care!” said Sookie. “Maybe it will work -” She ripped off her nanna-nightie and grannie panties and wrapped her legs around his crotch, pushing him back down to the melted floor. “I can’t feel it – is it in there?”
“Oh Sookeh, so good – so tight – feel my manhood pump into you -”
She rocked herself backwards and forwards harder. “It’s no good, I don’t feel it -”
You know how some people like to slow right down as they drive past a car wreck? Well, that’s what this was like.
Compton was puffing and panting, his half-burned, smashed up face growing redder as he began to shriek, “I’m going to cum! Sookeh -”
With a fugly-ass grunt he blew his tiny load on Sookie’s thigh. Ew – that shit was gross. Green? Who knew?
Damn, I wish I didn’t know.
“No good,” said Sookie, hopping off Bill and throwing her nanna-nightie back on before disappearing out into the woods.
Picking up my shoe again – fuck it was ruined, all covered in gross Beehl-goop – I slipped again and the pointy end of my shoe went through Beehl’s chest. Ooops. I really am so terribly clumsy.
Hey, I’m doing women all over the world a favour.
I was just about to leave when a bright light flickered through the rubble of Compton’s hovel and a vision appeared before me. A dark-haired man with an impossibly handsome face wearing a pure wool long grey coat, the likes of which I hadn’t seen since World War Two.
“The alien gas -” he gasped – ” where is it? I’ve been chasing it through four galaxies with my vortex manipulator – Why, hello there. Captain Jack Harkness. And who might you be?”
“Lady Pamela Swynford De Beaumont.” I held out my hand and tried not to giggle like a girl when he kissed it.
My fangs snapped down.
“And vampire – ooh – now that’s what I call a double treat – Oh no, no – who opened the vessel?”
He crouched down in the broken-up shit of Compton’s palatial manor, poking the deflated meteroid with the tip of his very big gun.
“It’s an alien life-form – a gas – it’s like a parasite. It seeks a host and then it lives off the orgasm energy of the people it fucks, turning them into space dust when they cum, but the kicker is it destroys the host too. Then the gas just moves on to its next victim -”
“You don’t say? Hmm – I think I know where that gas might be.”
“Do you? Oh good – I was hoping it might have possessed you but since you aren’t jumping my bones here in the dust, I guess I lucked out. We had a case like this once before – at Torchwood – this little place I used to run in Cardiff, but we got shut down so I had to go back to freelancing and I was hoping to bottle the orgasm gas alien and sell it to the impotent inhabitants of Frigid Prudia 5. Course, it wouldn’t work but they’d still pay for it -”
“Split the profits with me?”
“Come on! She ran off into the woods – we have to get her before she starts fucking wildebeest or something -”
“Well, usually the alien will head to a place filled with orgasmic energy. A place filled with horny, hungry, desperate hordes looking to get laid -”
“I know just the place.”
Thalia was on the door when we arrived at Fangtasia. She cocked an eyebrow at Captain Jack and his space regalia.
“Thought you weren’t into cocks any more -” she began.
“Oh, she’s into mine. Care to take a look?” Captain Jack began to unzip his pants before Thalia scowled and he thought better of it.
“Where he usually is.”
“Any sign of Sookie?”
“Should there be?”
I took out my mobile phone and scrolled through the photos I’d taken of Compton’s mashed face, and Thalia smiled.
“Well, why didn’t you say so?” she said, and ushered us both in.
Eric was seated on his throne in all his fuckawesome glory, his legs spread wide to accommodate his massive cock, his taut black jeans bulging as fangbangers danced their way around his feet, almost bent double in their worship of his mighty cock as they swept their arms up over their heads and bowed and scraped before him, moving backwards and forwards like a mighty Mexican wave as they strove to brush their fingertips along his thighs – anything to get close to the object of their pagan worship.
Of course he was bored as fuck. A thousand years – millions of holes. Guess they all get the same after a while.
When he saw me, he got to his feet and the crowd of fangbangers oohed and aahed as they primped their way closer to him, sashaying and sweating, thrusting and twerking, trying to wriggle their bits closer to his – until he turned on them, growling, fangs dropped in savagery as they all fell to their faces and scooted out backwards along the floor, away from the dais and his magnificence, reabsorbed back into the living throng of dancing and thrusting sex-starved hordes.
“Oooh, bondage? Kinky. Can I join in? I’ll call you ‘master’ too – Oh you are a package deal, aren’t you?”
“He’s my maker, you idiot.”
“Oh – that kind of master. Well, I’m still open to -”
I thrust my phone into Eric’s face and saw a genuine smile spread across his features.
“Bill is dead?”
“An unfortunate staking accident – a crime of fashion -” Eric nodded.
Quickly, I filled him in on the orgasmic gas alien and its possession of Sookie.
“You think she will come here?”
“I know she will – Captain Jack here says it will kill her, burn her up – we have to save her -”
“How can we stop her from grabbing any random fangbanger off the dance floor and dragging him into the toilets to fuck?” Eric asked.
“She should gravitate to the sexiest object in the room with the greatest orgasmic potential – now that’s either you or me -” Captain Jack began.
Eric cocked an eyebrow.
“Okay, it’s you – but I’m a close second -”
“I have it!” I shrieked. “Let me manstyle you both to attract her attention as soon as she steps in that door -”
“No!” Eric began.
“Oooh, do we get naked together?”
“Count me in!”
“Come on, Eric,” I wheedled and whined. “Please! Just let me – just this once – and if it pays off – wait – she can’t turn him to dust, can she?”
“I can’t be sure. As a vampire, you’re already dead – but everyone knows the vast orgasmic potential of vampire blood – I think if you can persuade her to exchange with you -”
“So he could fuck her and get turned into a pile of sparkly dust -”
“It’s a chance I’m willing to take,” Eric replied.
“Or you could just let her fuck me – I can’t die – Have you met the Doctor? I’m guessing you’ve been around for a while, so maybe – well, the curious thing is I got turned into a fixed point in time by his companion Rose when she ripped open the heart of the TARDIS and took the time vortex into her head – I got killed by the Daleks and she brought me back to life – permanently.”
“Rose Tyler?” I asked Captain Jack.
“Yeah – do you know her?”
“We had a thing back in the day -”
“Woah, you and Rose?”
“Wow. So, anyway, if this Sookie fucks me then -”
Eric began to growl.
“Or not – I mean, if you’re willing to take your chances – ”
Eric was so distracted at the thought of finally getting his blood into Sookie he agreed to let me have my way.
This is going to be good.
I took them both out the back to Eric’s office, much to the disappointment of the adoring crowd of fangbangers, but I must say some of the men were looking a little more hopeful of one day being in the presence of Eric’s great and glorious cock given Captain Jack and his eager delight.
I took out my emergency styling and glitter kit from Eric’s wardrobe at the back of the office.
“Strip boys,” I said.
Captain Jack was naked in moments – his body strong and tanned, his chest broad and well-muscled, his thighs shapely, his ass firm and his cock – well, he really was a close second to my maker. Then a shirtless Eric, towering over Jack with his rippling muscles so like a god, undid his jeans and his cock burst out, standing forth proudly in all its glory and Captain Jack took in a deep breath before taking a step towards Eric, his hand outstretched.
“You know, I don’t mind coming second to that. Can I touch it?”
“Oh – okay then – I had to ask -”
“Pamela, is this necessary?”
I whipped out matching pairs of pink orgy tights.
“Remember these?” I demanded.
“Oh, you wore them when you took Sookie to that fake orgy and she asked you to pretend to be gay- ”
“I remember when I wore them. I simply said no.”
“Oh come on – you’ll be twinsies. I defy any woman to resist the pair of you -”
Captain Jack had grabbed the smaller pair and was already strutting around in them.
“No – Sookie will think we are gay -”
“Um – she’s hardly very discerning at the moment -”
“Then this is not necessary.”
“You used to be fun, Eric – what happened to the fun?”
“I’m fun.” My maker sighed, held out his hands and took the pink tights from me before donning them. I snapped a few surreptitious photos of them both on my phone. That shit is gold – I could use it for blackmail for years.
Then Ginger walked in and saw the pair of them, strutting round, then she began to scream and fan herself before collapsing in a heap, unconscious.
At least the screaming had stopped.
Eric caught a glimpse of his reflection in my emergency mirror I’d rigged up in his office and he was just about to tear off his tights and throw them at me in disgust when Thalia came rushing in.
“She’s here – you better come quick -”
All three of us ran out to the dance floor, Captain Jack instantly pumping and grinding his hips to the beat of whatever god-awful fucking music the DJ was playing for the vermin. His thrusting hips were almost hypnotic. And there was Sookie in the doorway – at least she was wearing her fucking nanna nightie but I noticed it was sporting a few new rips and she had shortened it considerably so it barely covered her ass. And looks like she’s lost those grannie panties. Not a bad thing. Her bare ass was poking through the torn hem of her nightie as the beat ripped through her and she turned and saw my maker in his pink-clad glory, looking like he had a fucking python down his pants which soon turned into an enormous pink tent when she rushed over to him, dancing, doing her best to wrap her arms around him as the ripped nightie rose upwards and her shapely bottom peeked out. Eric’s hands went under her bare ass, lifting her higher as he bent to kiss her parted lips and she wrapped herself around him like one of those little suckerfish on a shark.
“Fuck me,” she panted, and Eric carried her, still wrapped around him, to his office.
“Come on.” said Jack, still thrusting his hips in time to the music as he exited the dance floor. “We have to follow them -”
“What? Do you have a fucking death wish?”
“Can’t die, remember? Look, we need to keep an eye on them both – if the gas alien makes an appearance, we need to try and catch it – and we might be able to save your maker from potential death -”
“Say no more. Let’s go.”
Sookie was naked, what remained of her nanna-nightie ripped to shreds as she laid herself out over Eric’s desk, moaning and writhing at the touch of the stacks of paper beneath her. And what the fuck was that? A stapler? Hmm. Interesting. She was stapling the pads of her fingers before grabbing hold of a bunch of paper clips and opening them up, slipping them over the tips of her fingers before scratching them down Eric’s back like witches’ talons.
Guess that solves the stationery fetish mystery.
My maker’s award-winning ass – he has a room full of trophies at his safe-house – was bared towards us, and we arrived just in time to see a pink, gaseous hand reaching out to caress Eric’s cock as he slammed himself deep into Sookie, who knocked piles of stationery off onto the floor.
“More!” she demanded of him, sitting upright, grabbing his ass and pushing him further inside her and my maker tilted her ass upwards, shoving a stack of paper under it as he raised her higher, changed the angle and penetrated her more deeply.
“Wow, he’s good,” said Jack admiringly. We were both ensconced in my secret alien cloaking device – another present from the lovely Lieutenant Uhura who got it from a Klingon Warbird – and I grabbed my big-ass fucking gun and threw Jack a spare.
“Where did you get these?” he demanded.
“This one is from my gal-pal Ripley, and the other was given to me by Sarah Connor – I like strong women.”
“So do I. And men. Well, anybody really -”
The orgasm alien was suffusing Sookie’s body with a pink light, groaning in unison with her as Sookie grabbed hold of some neon-coloured post-it notes.
“What -” I began.
“Oh, I’ve seen this before – watch -”
Sookie stuck post-it notes all over her body and Eric’s chest, ripping them off with her teeth. Eric was picking up his pace, grabbing hold of a flexible plastic ruler and using it to spank Sookie’s ass.
“I’ve always had a thing for post-it notes,” I breathed. “I never thought -”
The desk began to move dangerously as Eric pumped harder into her, pushing it backwards and forwards as the drawers slid out with a crash and Sookie jammed her feet in there, bracing herself against it to raise her pelvis higher.
“He’s going to blow soon -”
“How do you know?” Jack asked.
“His orgasm face – here it comes – and hers – look -”
“How do you know what hers looks like?” I shrugged. I’d had her bedroom bugged for months, watching her try to pleasure herself with an antique vibrator that looked like she’d inherited from Gran.
Funny – she hid the stationery but not the vibrator – go figure.
“Oh no -” Light began to glow in Sookie’s hands, and Eric’s fangs snapped out –
“What’s the light?” said Captain Jack.
“Fae,” I hissed. “She’s fae.”
“Fae? Why the fuck didn’t you say so? She could blast the shit out of that gas thing herself, and I doubt it will kill her -”
“Shouldn’t we try to get that thing out of her -” I began before I clapped a hand over my mouth. Actually I preferred her this way.
Sookie grabbed a letter opener from Eric’s desk and cut into his chest as he bit down on her neck as they both screamed out their orgasms, the pink alien gas pulsing and changing colours as it fed on the orgasmic energy between them again and again and again.
“Of course!” said Jack, slapping his own forehead. “He always stays hard – vampire stamina and all that – the gas alien has no need to devour him and turn him to dust because he is like a continuous McHappy Meal to it – We should get out of here and leave them to it.”
“Well, I didn’t want to mention this before, but there was more than one of those alien gas things stuffed in that space-pod -”
“Really? How many? Where did they go?”
Jack nodded to me and I caught a glimpse of myself in my emergency mirror, glowing pink all over.
“It must have laid dormant in you until now but exposing yourself to Eric and Sookie’s orgasmic energy has flushed it out and made it -”
“Hungry,” I replied, my fangs snapping down as I grabbed hold of Captain Jack by his pink elasticised waist. “Well, since the biggest cock in here is occupied, that leaves you for me -”
“Happy to be of service, ma’am.”
I kissed Jack hard, and he ran his tongue along my fangs.
“Let’s say we grab a wad of post-it notes and head down to the dungeon -” I began.
The waistband of his pants overflowing with neon brightness, Jack grabbed my hand and led me down stairs, both of us shedding our clothing as we went.
Well, I guess if an orgasmic gas alien has to possess me, at least it’s pink.